Regardless of what you say or do or what face you show to the world, your mental-emotional state cannot be concealed. Every human being emanates an energy field that corresponds to his or her inner state, and most people can sense it, although they may feel someone else's energy emanation only subliminally. That is to say, they don't know that they sense it, yet it determines to a large extent how they feel about and react to that person. Some people are most clearly aware of it when they first meet someone, even before any words are exchanged. A little later, however, words take over the relationship and with words come the roles that most people play. Attention then moves to the realm of mind, and the ability to sense the other person's energy field becomes greatly diminished. Nevertheless, it is still felt on an unconscious level. -- Eckhart Tolle - A NEW EARTH: Awakening To Your Life’s Purpose

 When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
 Audre Lorde (link to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Audre_Lorde)

I keep a list of quotes that inspire me. I’ve recently put a couple dozen on my wall. This made it into those front-runners (though it has not historically been my ‘favorite’).  Today this one hollered my name. Time to unpack it…

I have never had trouble being the pebble that starts a ripple, but what about being the boulder that starts a wave? I can count on my hand the times I have created real wave-crashing turbulence. All of those times created pain for me and others, and all of those times created glorious possibilities for me and others. I couldn’t receive the exuberance of the one without the loss of the other. I am forever having to let something go to make something come. Makes me think of the Ogden Nash  poem, “The Middle” (link to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ogden_Nash ),

When I remember bygone days

I think how evening follows morn.

So many I loved were not yet dead.

So many I love were not yet born.

 So what’s the value in being a wave-maker? (I swear I shrink from the thought of REALLY making waves, even as I write these words.) Making waves, when I’ve dared to do it, has swept clean the path in front of me. I stumble less, equivocate less, hesitate less, when I’m breathing hard from a deep place, intent on making my meaning understood. I don’t ache less for others’ pain on hearing my truth; I just accept their pain without feeling the need to backpedal on my meaning.

It’s not enough just to be breathing hard – shoot, anxiety makes me breathe hard, but I usually regret when I use anxiety as a source of intelligence. My Vision makes me breathe hard from a deep place, a place that demands action and attention. I seem to stand steady once I understand what my vision is for any particular situation or circumstance.

I remember, around the time I moved from public elementary school (with kids who had been around me so long they had become my life’s wallpaper) to college-prep private school (where everyone was a stranger), I found some deep source of wisdom in me. I wished for a written list of what I truly valued in self and others so that I could run all people I was considering as friends through a selection process: “What would you do if I cried in front of you?” “Would it be ok if I picked my nose and you saw me?” 

Deep stuff. Yet, it’s the same basic process I’ve learned I must use now to live the life I desire. It’s all part of my vision for the life I choose. Basically, I want to be surrounded by people who care if I cry and don’t care if I pick my nose.

I had that great idea at age 12; I didn’t start acting on it until decades later. Understanding my own vision for situations and circumstances has made my life the one I would choose out of a catalog. And, from the wisdom and experience of middle age, I’ve worked enough with other people, as a coach, consultant, and facilitator, to understand that working from vision is not just my own cool idea. It’s the deep place that sustains making waves and holding steady for the turbulence.

Afraid of what? I’ve never been in touch with my own sense of fear; I experience fear as nervousness or unattributable anxiety. But I’m learning that it doesn’t really matter if I can accurately label it. I just need to notice it. I just need to acknowledge it. I just need to use that physical and emotional experience as intelligence to inform what I choose to do next. Fear is not brakes; fear is information. And I’m finally learning that I must sometimes make waves even though my nervousness-anxiety-fear level is through the roof; the power and importance of my vision, that deep place, are somehow greater than the fear, in the long run.